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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
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5:49 pm
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[24 Apr 2006|12:21pm]
_omg jacki. wrote:
"On a lighter note... I have talked to Justin on the phone everyday this week since Saturday, except yesterday because he had to work. I love that kid so much, he's the sweetest thing. He fell asleep on the phone with me every night. It was really cute."
<333
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, April 21st, 2006
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4:37 pm - Pull yourslef together man, pull yourself together
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When he killed himself, something inside of me snapped. I am friends with some his best friends, and seeing the drowning effect it had on their lives, it created an explosion inside of me; and explosion of all the cumulative contributing factors of all of the stress in my life. I became as if I couldn't move; I went to work and I couldn't get anything done; even at home, I grew to feel helpless with everything. It's just, what if that was me? What if that was my brother? what if that was one of my closest friends? Could I bear to lose someone so close to me? Or better yet, could they bear to lose me? And I came to thinking, what bearing do I have on people's lives? How am I relevant to them? And now I look at things at differently. I can walk the halls at school and see the cruelty that exists in those halls, and I can see the looks on the victims faces, and I couldn't help but think to myself, what if one of these kids doesn't feel relevant to anybody? And what if they went home and did the unthinkable?
Eh, I dunno.
All I know is, this has been eating me alive for about two weeks; on top of my daily everyday stress. Now I too have become one of the cruel kids; I keep lashing out at those who are close to me. I am sorry for how I have been, but, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about these things.
I could never deal with losing someone so close to me, and the fact that I have to see the kids who were such good friends with him and how they are suffering it isn't helping much.
I really don't know where I'm going with this. My thoughts are so clouded with everything.
Until next time.
When a thing is done, it's done. Don't look back. Look forward to your next objective.
George C. Marshall
US general (1880 - 1959)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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4:33 pm
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lovingyou24x7: well let me cheer you up so atleast one of us is happy
lovingyou24x7: whats wrong
jmw198822: everything
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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11:58 pm - Is heaven everything you thought it would be?
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6 years. I still remember my father waking me up that morning and telling me she had died. Looking back I'm actually angry because he had walked out 4 months prior. I guess he only wanted to be around when it was convenient for him. Oh well. Regardless, that was by far the worst combination of words I had ever heard him say; not "Justin, mommy and daddy just need to be apart," or "I don't know if mommy and daddy love each other anymore." No, I had to hear that my grandmother had passed from the last person who deserved to tell me.
I still miss her terribly. I miss Christmas dinners; walking into that little row home in South Philly and smelling the endless amount of food. I miss the way she would call me her little Jussy, or in certain moments of anger, "the cutest little pain in the ass God had ever made." Most of all, I miss the solace I always had with her, and how when things were bad at my house, my grandparents would come and get me, and I would feel at home, even if only a little row home in Philly. Things have never been the same. It's as if our family was a school project, once she passed, the glue came undone and it crumbled in front of the shy 6th grader who had worked so hard and was so proud and happy of his work.
I still remember that hospital bed; seeing her lay lifeless with that horrible contraption of plastic tubes and wires that they called life support. Even until the end she fought; it was her nature, as is my mother's, as is mine. I remember her going in because of the gangrene and thinking, "Nanny Annie is going to lose her legs." Never did I think I would lose her.
I still remember that one Christmas when I was about 4 or 5 and they got me that tricycle. Being the little shit I was (and still am may I add) rode the damn thing into the Christmas tree, knocking it to the ground. I remember running for my life, because let's face it, the matriarch of the Italian family is the one to be feared. And I remember her screaming how she was going to "kill that little somanibitch." And then when she finally caught me (I still to this day don't know how she did it) she picked me up and gave me what seemed like a thousand kisses.
6 years today I lost her. Bittersweet Easter.
She taught me so many valuable things that when I see her again, I will spend eternity thanking her for, because unfortunately I didn't have the time to do so here on Earth. She taught me to be strong, never take shit, fight for what you believe in and to stay true to myself. Not one day goes by where she doesn't cross my thoughts; where I don't miss her. And as I wrote this, with tears in my eyes, I remember how now. And I am thankful for everything she has taught me and given me, and I am thankful for her having led a full life, and for being a part of mine. But mostly, I am thankful for one thing, I can say that Nanny Annie was is my grandmother, and that God blessed me with having quite possibly the greatest grandmother a person could ever ask for.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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12:49 am - the harsh realities of coming of age
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In the past two days, two kids have both taken their own lives. In our town, we are now averaging about two suicides a year. When will something be done? How bad can life be? Let's put things into perspective: life is hard, school is hard and so is work. The end of a kids high school career can be the most indredible and yet difficult time in their life. Within a matter of months whole lives change and the world will never look the same. However, how can we just forget about how these kids can't cope with this? Things have to change and it has to be now.
Point of the story: graduation is an eye-opening experience. Personally, I have never been so scared in my life. My world is going to change completely, yet, as scared as I am, on the other token, I'm actually excited. Do I want to grow up and really deal with life? Truth be told, no; yet I am preparing myself for the real world and doing my best to not let these changes consume me. To quote the movie Van Wilder (not the best of sources): "Never take life too seriously; you'll never get out alive." Underneath the potty jokes and immature humor, that one line out of the whole movie delivers a certain poignance that not even myself can create. It's really true. Take life as you see it. Learn to laugh and enjoy things. Growing up doesn't have to mean losing yourself or the fun in your life. It just means that you have to learn to be self-sufficient, which honestly isn't so bad.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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